July 27, 2007

I feel so sad I haven´t even been able to write here lately. I am not done with sadness yet, but I feel like I need to write something that is not the interview with the guys from Kaspersky or Intel Education.

Today I want to write about me. To be honest, I believe the source of my sadness has its roots in the fact that I truly believe I am a complete failure. And no, I did not come to that conclusion expecting that people do the usual head pet and say how much I have accomplished. Which is pretty much nothing. I believe I am a failure in many ways, and here is why.

First of all, my love relationships have failed. For one or another obscure reasons that I will never completly understand. I remember I wanted to have kids. That is not the case anymore. Failure number 2.

I have been doing the same thing for over 9 years now, in a not very bright way, with not very good pay and with little recognition, perhaps the reason is that I am not very smart. Failure number 3.

Here there is, I think, one of the most important reasons of distress: I do believe I am smart. Maybe that is exactly why I feel like a total failure.

Failure number 4: I have not started a higher education, and it is not because I am not bright enough not because money issues -I know I could get a scholarship-. It is because of inercy. Or fear. I simply do not do what is necessary to do to get in. I think we all will agree that is far worst. Far, far worst.

The cherry on top are my family relations. They are screwed. I hardly ever see anyone. I just get locked in my sad little world, flying here in there, interviewing this and that, writing stuff, being under pression and stressed all the time. I do love them. I love my father. I love my mother. I feel particularly close to some in my family, but I just do not have the strenght to build a strong bond. I have become emotionally distant to almost all of them. Failure number 5.

Failure number 6: I have no friends. I am not sure if I want them. I am not able to keep them. I just can´t deal with them.

In short, I am not what I was supossed to be. What I wanted, and I cannot blame anyone but me.

Now I am sitting at my desk alone in the office, with a bottle of bonafont in front of me and a terrible pain -i just dont know what the fuck is wrong with me- in my stomach, pretty much the rule lately, but I do not go with the doctor, I do not have any studies done. I guess I simply do not care and hope everything is over soon.

That is why I say I am a coward.

That is why I understand why I am alone.

I am not capable of love. Not anymore. I am capable of a pathetic imitation of it. I lost it somewhere. It ended up being too scary, I guess. I lost myself too. I dont really know who I am anymore. I am nothing but a brain not very well used. Sometimes it is too painful.

So there. At least i made an entry.

July 18, 2007

Janurary 23, 2003 "Looks... Gooood"
Scott: Are you sure it's healthy to stare at the computer screen like that?
Ethan: Are my eyes bleeding?
Scott: No
Ethan: Am i drowning in my own drool?
Scott: No
Ethan: I'll be fine.
From CtrlaltDel.

July 07, 2007

*Peeling the onion

Creo que cualquiera que haya visto la película "El tambor de Hojalata" o haya tenido la suerte de leer el libro de Gunter Grass sentirá curiosidad por "Peeling the Onion", la autobiografía que acaba de publicar.

John Irving le dedica una crítica de cuatro páginas en el New York Times, y dejando de lado los protagonismos de Irving, vale la pena leerla, al menos para los que no estamos muy bien informados sobre lo que pasó con este libro en Alemania.

Por lo visto, revela la participación de Grass en la SS cuando tenía 17 años, en la Alemania nazi. La invasión de Polonia ocurrió cuando apenas era un niño.

Es una buena crítica, y el libro debe ser muy bueno también. Siempre, siempre hay mucho más de lo aparente, y como siempre, lo más importante es lo que no se dice. Lástima que no se leer en alemán. Esperemos que haya una buena traducción al español.

Here is to Gunter, whose first book is one of my favorites, even thought I haven´t read it yet. The movie itself was more than good. I have some scenes burned in my mind. Still. I´m hoping for the last to come to my hands soon.

What is it with me and german writers? :*) Quizá me identifico más con los alemanes y su complejo colectivo de culpabilidad mucho más que con los mexicanos y su complejo de inferioridad.

Maybe. Or maybe not.