August 30, 2007

August 24, 2007


The diagnostic was "anxiety disorder" and "depression". I had a long long talk with the Dr. , and after an exhaustive review and examination (he has been my dr like, forever, even though I only go once or twice a year) so he has my files, and knows a bit about what´s going on. Anyway, he said all my symptoms (a whole bunch of them i´ve carrying on for months, some for years) are the result of a strong anxiety disorder. Then he went on explaining that not taking care of it was being now manifesting in a physical form (lots, lots of expressions in physical form, so much that I finally HAD to go with the doctor) ... So anyway he was ver upfront about the meds he suggested I should take for that. It was controled medicine, only sold by recipe, and a strong one, but I should feel fine in one day (aka most of the symptoms would go away). I was like, seriously, wouldnt it be better to give something for my acid, the back pain, the insomnia, the .... He said they were all manifestations of the anxiety, and that I had a nervous breakdown, as in my nervous system had somehow collapsed, so the roots of it needed to be taken care of. Whew. Ok. Whatever. Give my anything that will kill this pain I´m feeling now and I will be devotee of you for the rest of my life. He did prescribed this drug I´m saying, only for a month. I´m not supposed to take it for more than a month, he said. Besides I had to take antidepressants daily. I´ve struggling all my life with not taking antidepressant because... because... maybe I liked to be depressed all the time. It was me, after all, bipolary me. So anyway I was so sore and determined to end with this garbage that I went to the pharmacy, get everything I was supossed to get. Go home, take of all my clothes (one of my favorte moments of the day), turn of the AC and watched the pills, still undecided. So if I take them tomorrow I´m gonna be okay? Sounds too good to be true. What the hell is it anyway? I didnt wanted to know. Around 12:30 I did take one. And watched an episode of desperate housewives. Who would have guessed? I started feeling to sleep like before the episode was finished. I have to clarify. Usually lately I stay up way way way longer, and in pain, to worsen it.


I slept like, so well as I had not in months. Better than ever, I think. Whew. Usually I have either my back neck muscles so sore I can´t even move, or the lower back, or the upper back, or my head is killing me, or my stomach is upset, or I feel like a pregnant woman. But not this night. This night I rested. Awesome.

In the morning I took half the same pill. That was the dhosis on the recipe. And the one for depression. Happily, with a big glass of water. Then I took an apple and left home to work.

I guess it´s not my fault if my brain do not produce enough of those substances to be well. It´s all chemical. Love is. Everything is. So now I think the same things, I worry about the same things, but I´m not drawn to sadness. I walked this morning not in the Dante´s hell I usually live in, but in another state. Sedated? I dont know. All i know is i do not have any of the pains I had yesterday, or the last week, the last month and to be fair, the last years. Those pills are freaking effective.

Am I going to become an addict? I think not.

I recall I didnt had a dream. And I always have them. Big dreams, nightmares and dramas. I rememeber mostly all.

So maybe this is it. I will just not have any dreams anymore. Hm.

As I walked I saw a box in the side of the street. It said, clearly: "Careful. Very Careful".

August 23, 2007

soul tonic*

Guys. I would like to thank you for being asking how I am. I´m fine. Actually, I´m almost ready to go to my appointment with the doctor. Let´s see how it goes. I´m not gonna miss this one. Maybe I have cancer, and then I will not have to find a young friend who has it to overcome my problems. Kidding. Off.

August 21, 2007

Well now. I'm alive and I´m ok. Technically speaking. I am breathing and walking, sometimes smiling, and sometimes crying. Like now.

This is for the ones wondering.

During this time I went to the sea. I played with the waves, let the sun burn my skin and the wind play with my hair. It was a perfect summer day, near to the sunset. I felt the kind of joy that you can only feel when your heart is broken, and you have finally understood it´s going to stay that way until your death.

I went to the mountains, too. Under the clear sky, the moon and the most brilliant stars I have ever seen I climbed, looking for nothing. What I was looking for I found it long time ago, but it is lost now. Only God knows why and where. If there is one.

I had to keep walking. I will, for a while.