July 27, 2007

I feel so sad I haven´t even been able to write here lately. I am not done with sadness yet, but I feel like I need to write something that is not the interview with the guys from Kaspersky or Intel Education.

Today I want to write about me. To be honest, I believe the source of my sadness has its roots in the fact that I truly believe I am a complete failure. And no, I did not come to that conclusion expecting that people do the usual head pet and say how much I have accomplished. Which is pretty much nothing. I believe I am a failure in many ways, and here is why.

First of all, my love relationships have failed. For one or another obscure reasons that I will never completly understand. I remember I wanted to have kids. That is not the case anymore. Failure number 2.

I have been doing the same thing for over 9 years now, in a not very bright way, with not very good pay and with little recognition, perhaps the reason is that I am not very smart. Failure number 3.

Here there is, I think, one of the most important reasons of distress: I do believe I am smart. Maybe that is exactly why I feel like a total failure.

Failure number 4: I have not started a higher education, and it is not because I am not bright enough not because money issues -I know I could get a scholarship-. It is because of inercy. Or fear. I simply do not do what is necessary to do to get in. I think we all will agree that is far worst. Far, far worst.

The cherry on top are my family relations. They are screwed. I hardly ever see anyone. I just get locked in my sad little world, flying here in there, interviewing this and that, writing stuff, being under pression and stressed all the time. I do love them. I love my father. I love my mother. I feel particularly close to some in my family, but I just do not have the strenght to build a strong bond. I have become emotionally distant to almost all of them. Failure number 5.

Failure number 6: I have no friends. I am not sure if I want them. I am not able to keep them. I just can´t deal with them.

In short, I am not what I was supossed to be. What I wanted, and I cannot blame anyone but me.

Now I am sitting at my desk alone in the office, with a bottle of bonafont in front of me and a terrible pain -i just dont know what the fuck is wrong with me- in my stomach, pretty much the rule lately, but I do not go with the doctor, I do not have any studies done. I guess I simply do not care and hope everything is over soon.

That is why I say I am a coward.

That is why I understand why I am alone.

I am not capable of love. Not anymore. I am capable of a pathetic imitation of it. I lost it somewhere. It ended up being too scary, I guess. I lost myself too. I dont really know who I am anymore. I am nothing but a brain not very well used. Sometimes it is too painful.

So there. At least i made an entry.

10 comments:

Edo said...

Um... okey. Care for a cup of tea?

Talya said...

Anytime.

Morgan said...

Talya - I don't know what to say. It makes me sad that you're feeling, thinking the way you are. I have no qualifications, medically speaking, to help you. The only qualification I have is that I'm a caring person and could be your friend. I am happily married, very content with my life, and do not want anything from you. What I do want is for you to somehow get out of this funk you're in. Could you possibly make friends online? You're in our prayers and wish the very best for you. One thing I think would help you, if you're wanting some help, is to pick up Eckert Tolle's book, "The Power of Now". If you don't want to purchase this book, I'm sure you can get it from your local library. It's an amazing book and I truly think it might make a wonderful impression on you. Take care.

Mike said...

Odio escribir en ingles, pero ahi te va:

This is not a pat in the back and lotsa positive crap, so pay attention, closely and honestly.

The very first step to solve a problem, is to admit that you have a problem. And you already have donde that.

I take the time to write this because, after everything, I still DO BELIEVE in you (this is me, caring about you), as I'm sure everyone who knows you also do, in one way or another.

All companies have the same disease of not caring, paying enough, and failure to provide proper recognition to employees, even the most talented ones such as yourself. That will not drastically change, I'm afraid.

Now, the next step is to take it easy, but get into motion.

Ah, and BE NICE ...

The ball is in your side of the court....

Jhonny Cash said...

Como dijo Twisted sister..

Love is for Suckers...

Smile my friend, Scorpions is comin' to the ranch....

Anonymous said...

The most amazing gift we have been given is the ability to adapt and change. YOU NEED CHANGE...
Focus on the transformation, how do you think the butterfly feels before she emerges from the cocoon? Hot, cramped, squeezed, under stress and pressure. With these new wings and urge to fly, she doesn't belong where she is anymore. It is so bad that she knows she cannot stay there any longer... She has to fight it, tear away the restrains that keep her from flying. She has to discard the husk of her former environment and expect that when she breaks free, and her wings unfold, there is a whole new life to live. A completely different life from her time on the ground and then trapped in the cocoon, the only life she has known until now.

How dare you say your love relationships have failed... if you have ever even felt love then it is success. Most people don't even know what it means to love. What is success in Love anyway? Marriage, 2.5 children, house in the suburbs? How do you measure it? In my opinion, you are successful with Love if you even get a chance for a minute to really feel it. To Love someone and know that without a doubt they love you back. All the rest of the stuff, the material trappings and scenarios... they are meaningless and transient. If all I ever get to do in this life is truly love someone and be loved by them for one moment... It is enough for me. I know you have had that moment at least once, and experienced more Love than many of the zombies will ever feel. When you were in the moment, you embraced it and gave it all of your soul... and that is not failure.

Get a new job. Find something that you are interested in and do it. You will not reach the end of your days, look back and say... "I wish I spent another hour at my desk." Maybe now is the time to move on. How long will you stay in the cocoon? Until you suffocate?

With education... there is no excuse... you are just not motivated to do it. I big part of the lack of motivation is you cannot see the consequences of it. Why spend all that time and effort on something that will be unappreciated in the life you are currently living? You family won't care much... maybe make you a cake when you graduate, but they won't understand it. Probably the only people in your life who will are your younger cousins who look up to you, and yourself. Your workplace won't care... in fact, it is better for them that you don't cause then they would have to consider paying you more.
So, what is the point of it? Why do you even care that you haven't done it yet? If there is a reason why, then that is the source of motivation... and if it is enough of a motivator then you will do it. Otherwise, forget it and move on without it.

Your family... they love you, you love them. If you need them, they are there, if they need you, you are there. That is all it needs to be. I think that people make to big of a deal out of family. I live thousands of miles away from mine, and I don't Love them any less. Every moment I get to spend with them is precious and I treasure it. My parents will be dieing soon and I will not be able to see them again after that in this life. So I enjoy the moments we have together. But, there are other things to do besides sit around the living room with the family.

You have friends, but maybe you are too self absorbed to spend time with them. You like the idea of friends, but not the effort. There is nothing wrong with that. "Friends" are overrated anyway. If you have a person or two that you enjoy your time with then spend some time with them. If not, then go do the stuff you enjoy doing and you are bound to meet people in those places. Maybe you will like them, maybe not. What are your expectations?
One of my best friends told me... "I am a terrible friend, I am unpredictable and don't put a lot of effort into doing stuff and hanging out." Which is perfect, because I am the same way! We have become good friends, and spend time together when we can because we enjoy it, not because we are "friends" and we have to.

You say, "In short, I am not what I was supposed to be. What I wanted, and I cannot blame anyone but me." So the problem is your expectations and reality don't match up. You probably read too much poetry or philosophy and your mental world and the physical world are out of sync. There is nothing else but what is in every moment.
I say, quit being self-absorbed, melancholy and unmotivated. Go hang out with some cancer patients. Young ones (20-30) who would give anything to have your mind, beauty, strength and talent. Maybe you seeing life taken from a young soul by force, as compared to your careless disregard for what is precious, will snap you out of it. When my best friend while growing up, shriveled away and died from cancer at 23. I realized that I better pursue my happiness will all that I have, because I am next. Maybe not today, but sooner than I want. I think that death and dying are a beautiful and powerful reminder to the living to quit wasting time and live your life while you have it. See proof for what I say on this News post...
Friends with Cancer are Good for your Health

With your stomach pain... go to the doctor, get some scans. While you are there, make friends with a couple of cancer patients. Actually, they don't have to be cancer, anyone terminally ill will do. Make sure to ask them what they think about your problems.

So there. At least I made a reply.
You are Loved.

Edo said...

"You probably read too much poetry or philosophy and your mental world and the physical world are out of sync."
Yeah, well, fuck you too.

Anonymous said...

edo, as if, "Um... okey. Care for a cup of tea?" is any more helpful. It is funny to me that your misinterpretation of one sentence is what you respond to.

If you honestly think that "fuck you too" is the correct response then you need to reread it and think a little harder the next time through. A cup of tea is not what is missing or what she needs. Your flippant comment and disregard for the deep pain and discomfort she is feeling is also unnecessary.

The sentence that you highlighted means that Idealism is great and it is what helps us rise above our base nature and circumstances. But, there is always a discontinuity between the world we live in and the stuff of our dreams , that which the poets and philosophers speak of. There is pain in the disconnect. 'Why am I not happy, why am I not fulfilled in my life? It is supposed to be better than this, what is wrong with me?' Nothing is wrong... You just aren't being true to your self. You are comparing yourself to an ideal that you have created in your mind that is not in harmony with your reality.

I know you are her "friend", so I will leave it at that.

Talya, you need to move past this point in your life with a clear resolve to improve your state. If you focuses on your happiness, and pursues your joy, what ever that is, you have a good chance.

This is temporary, like all things.
It will all get better soon, just allow yourself be happy and well.

Smile, and all will be 'illuminated'.

You are Loved...

Kaju Neitherman said...

I don't want to read all the comments..

so

Espero que te sientas mas tranquila, serena, compuesta y satisfecha rapidamente. Te llevo al mendigo antro gay de la otra vez si quieres, solo para que pases un rato agradable y que de ahi agarres hilo. Te cuidas mucho, se te quiere y extraña. Aunque no sea reciproco

:'(

Saludos

:)

Anonymous said...

You've been given excellent advice, Taly. I am in a similar situation and feel unhappy with my achievements (which I see, of course, as 'non-achievements') and inexistent love life, but I often tell myself that all I need is a change of perspective and that, in fact, I'm only *this* close to happiness. Just like you are.

When I read your posts and comments, browse your flickr album or look at the dark-haired bronzed beauty on your pictures, I certainly don't think you are a failure. Whether you are capable of using the beautiful potential you have for relationships/friendship or not, it IS there.

You need a new goal in your life, it might take a while to find it, but I am confident you will.

A little self-criticism is nice, but don't be your worst enemy.

Soraya xx