I feel so sad I haven´t even been able to write here lately. I am not done with sadness yet, but I feel like I need to write something that is not the interview with the guys from Kaspersky or Intel Education.

Today I want to write about me. To be honest, I believe the source of my sadness has its roots in the fact that I truly believe I am a complete failure. And no, I did not come to that conclusion expecting that people do the usual head pet and say how much I have accomplished. Which is pretty much nothing. I believe I am a failure in many ways, and here is why.

First of all, my love relationships have failed. For one or another obscure reasons that I will never completly understand. I remember I wanted to have kids. That is not the case anymore. Failure number 2.

I have been doing the same thing for over 9 years now, in a not very bright way, with not very good pay and with little recognition, perhaps the reason is that I am not very smart. Failure number 3.

Here there is, I think, one of the most important reasons of distress: I do believe I am smart. Maybe that is exactly why I feel like a total failure.

Failure number 4: I have not started a higher education, and it is not because I am not bright enough not because money issues -I know I could get a scholarship-. It is because of inercy. Or fear. I simply do not do what is necessary to do to get in. I think we all will agree that is far worst. Far, far worst.

The cherry on top are my family relations. They are screwed. I hardly ever see anyone. I just get locked in my sad little world, flying here in there, interviewing this and that, writing stuff, being under pression and stressed all the time. I do love them. I love my father. I love my mother. I feel particularly close to some in my family, but I just do not have the strenght to build a strong bond. I have become emotionally distant to almost all of them. Failure number 5.

Failure number 6: I have no friends. I am not sure if I want them. I am not able to keep them. I just can´t deal with them.

In short, I am not what I was supossed to be. What I wanted, and I cannot blame anyone but me.

Now I am sitting at my desk alone in the office, with a bottle of bonafont in front of me and a terrible pain -i just dont know what the fuck is wrong with me- in my stomach, pretty much the rule lately, but I do not go with the doctor, I do not have any studies done. I guess I simply do not care and hope everything is over soon.

That is why I say I am a coward.

That is why I understand why I am alone.

I am not capable of love. Not anymore. I am capable of a pathetic imitation of it. I lost it somewhere. It ended up being too scary, I guess. I lost myself too. I dont really know who I am anymore. I am nothing but a brain not very well used. Sometimes it is too painful.

So there. At least i made an entry.